About

Mike Phirman is incredibly uncomfortable writing about himself in the third person, so he is going to write his bio in the second person.

You attended UCLA where you received a degree in Philosophy. While at college, you met Chris Hardwick, a fellow comedy enthusiast with whom you began performing silly musical acts under the name “Hard ‘n Phirm.” Together, you’ve made an album, driven through a lot of corn, and taped a Comedy Central Presents special that you feel went not-too-badly.

You’ve also worked as a visual effects artist for movies and TV. (Don’t tell anyone, but on one episode of C.S.I. in which the camera follows a spark that sets off a car bomb, if you play it frame-by-frame, the spark briefly spells out “Hi Mom!”)

You love folding laundry and were born without a sense of smell.

You have a solo album called “The Very Last Songs I Will Ever Record (Part 1)”. You lost your mind when “Weird Al” Yankovic showed up to perform on one of the tracks.

Most recently, you googled the words “comedian bio what to write”—you found nothing helpful.

4 thoughts on “About

  1. The clock on his desk ticked making precisely the same sound as a leaky faucet. In his mind it conjured a trite metaphor involving one’s life slipping down a drain a second and at a time, while simultaneously producing a mild urge to pee. It was an average Monday afternoon in an average man’s life and, instead of working, as he knew he ought to have been doing, he was leaving a nonsensical comment on Mike Phirman’s bio page. Noting that, when he posted it, it would be the first comment on said page he wanted to make it as bizarre as possible. Using a visualization technique he had learned during a bullshit weekend seminar one time he closed his eyes and pictured his intended result. Little cartoon people appeared in his mind’s eye: one was sitting on a bus looking at his comment on a cell phone; another was at a desk in a home office; another was in a coffee shop looking at a laptop. They were all looking at the comment that he was still in the process of writing and above all of their heads a collective thought bubble appeared. In the bubble a single, simple, involuntary sentiment was expressed: “WTF?”

    His reverie came to an abrupt halt as he suddenly he realized that the clock on his desk was digital. There was no way it could possibly be ticking. Horrified, he glanced around for the source of the noise. His eyes darted around his work area and settled on the cup overpriced coffee that he had purchased earlier that day. It had sprung a leak and was dripping lukewarm sugary brown liquid all over the outer casing of his computer. He knew that if wanted to salvage the situation before his computer shorted out he had only a few short seconds to act and so, as quickly as he could he leaped for his mouse and hit the button labeled “Post Comm

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  3. The difficulty in perpetuating the second person language when writing a response goes something like this, “You enjoyed your work with your friend and colleague, Chris Hardwick when you first discovered yourself on the Tube of You.” I think from this brief excerpt we (you, you, you, and you!, but not you) can agree that there are some severe limitations imposed by that format.

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